20/20 april 28,2005

the people
whom i generally
do not care for
repulse or grate
my nerves slice layer
by microscopic layer
chinese water torture
fingernails on chalkboards.
i have found.
after a quiet ride home
or a nice long shower
are people that resemble me.
get woozy from the weight of
would rather be blind to
the realization because
the mirror image beats
the crap out and i struggle
to find any reason
why i should just not
hate and loathe and hang up my hat.

even more interesting
as i watch them act out
role play entire scenes
of my life awkward
clumsy girl making eyes
sitting a little bit closer
to the beligerent boy with
no heart or interest
beyond his own and she feels
maybe just maybe he might
see something something
she can not see
so she tries to play other roles
to show that she's versatile
hollow and transparent
egg on her face
looks utterly ridiculous
i want to smack her
or shake her give her
a heaping dose of
truth hurts and tell her
to hang up the
marilyn monroe
coyness and puppy dog
eyes because i've
got her number
i know the ending
to this particular story.
her loud laughter hides
the hurt in her eyes
the jokey smurf persona
makes her the punchline
but i can only watch.
passive observer
force myself to find
compassion and cover my eyes
on the parts that i just can't bear to watch-
like when you'd watch an r rated movie
as a kid
in those moments when my
hand serves as a blinder
eyes closed.prayers spoken.
mercy flowing.i hope the best
for all of us.for she and i
and for the grace that covers
it all.even the stuff
that i can't bear to see
anymore.