drowning april 22,2005

i don't know why
it is that the weather
always seems to
mimick my moods
the clouds out there
have nothing on
the ones over my head
and it's one of those days
that i'd just rather not
get out of bed and forget
dissociate cares of this world
caller id that warns
of the phonecall
knot in my stomach
bank and bills
groveling and weary
and let it pour
let it annoint me
in reality
wake me with a start.

it's easy to play
dress up and carefree
not a worry when
it's beautiful outside
and here i am
again broke and mad
penchant for pretty clothes
pretty things to hide
the not so pretty face
feelings and i rack
up the points
as i wrack up the pain
carousel craziness
just when i get my head
above water and allow
myself a quick breath
i am dunked and desperate
reeling and tired
and this year has
taken her toll.
and so square one
bailed out and back
to facades and talking
a good game and i know
it eats me alive
and i can't bear to look
can't play this way forever
and the clock ticks
the anxiety builds
and i remind you
of the sparrows
and pray that it will
amount to something
i wait and turn blue
getting drenched
succombing to the water
in my lungs as i wait
for the other shoe
to drop and the veil
to be rent in two
the masquerade ball
to be over and
over and done.
i am done for.